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Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this page offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; humor is provided as is without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; not valid in combination with any other promotional offer; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; an equal opportunity employer; a smoke free environment; no shoes, no shirt, no laughs; quantities are limited while supplies last; if defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized WWW service center; caveat emptor; coitus interruptus; read at your own risk; parental advisory: explicit lyrics; text may contain material some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; results may vary; keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries are not included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not use if the safety seal is broken; call before you dig; for external use only; caution: filling may be hot; if a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use; take with plenty of water; use only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; may contain peanuts; keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes; avoid contact with mucous membranes and genitalia; according to the surgeon general, pregnant women should not drink alcoholic products while reading these pages; may contain meat or meat by-products; do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; please use a clean plate when returning; do not place near flammable or magnetic source; avoid freezing; please rewind before returning; late fees may be assessed; do not reuse this website package for dispensing beverages or other liquids; these statements have not been evaluated by the FDA; may contain sulfites; smoking this page may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; not transferable; text used in this page is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of this page; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a doctor; articles are ribbed for your pleasure; slippery when wet; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; do not insert in body orifices; to avoid shock turn off power before removing cover; to avoid breakage use only water or vegetable-based lubricants; all trademarks are the property of their respective owners; do not stare directly into page without wearing welding glasses; half an hour later in Newfoundland; objects may be closer than they appear; may need to reapply after swimming; avoid reading during an electrical storm; humor offer valid only at participating WWW site; slightly higher in New Jersey; allow four to six weeks for delivery; contents may settle during shipping; cash value 1/100th of 1 cent; may not be combined with any other offer; please refer to code number at the end of page when returning; covered under no US patents; disclaimer does not cover hurricane, lightning, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, baseball strike, hockey riot, and other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, typos, misspelled words, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered serial numbers, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments that are not covered in this page offer, and incidents owing to motor vehicle accidents, airplane crash, ship sinking, leaky roof, falling rocks, mud slides, forest fire, broken glass, flying projectiles, or dropping the item; other restrictions may apply. If something offends you, smell the roses, lighten up, get a life, and move on.  So there.